Valentine’s Day Horoscopes

Natalie Schmit, Reporter

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Throughout human history, man has looked to the stars for guidance, entertainment, and knowledge. More current history has led to further infatuation with the skies, and thus to incredible accomplishments, such as man landing on the moon, and the ability to explore the universe through the famed Hubble telescope. Yet, despite the incredible amounts of information yielded by space exploration, the most valuable information held in the stars… is our destiny. In this modern era of instability and impending global destruction, man must again look to the stars; this time for their future.

 

In science, love has constantly evaded an explanation. It is a combination of hormones in the brain, yet it is so much more than that. However the stars, a far more dependable method of understanding our world, have answers. What is love, where is love? The stars reveal all.

 

Aries (March 20 – April 20)

In the next week, you will fall in love with a mysterious man wearing an exotic, navy blue, polo shirt.

 

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

Big romantic gestures are looking good for you this month, especially any involving small rodents or large predators.

 

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

Love is fickle… but nothing could be more fickle than a gemini! We recommend a nice, hot bath, and a good book this valentine’s day.

 

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

You may find love sometime in the next 3-5 business days.

 

Leo (July 23 – August 23)

Let’s just say that it doesn’t look good for you this week month year… Maybe someone will just take one for the team?

 

Virgo (August 24 – September 22)

Love is blind. Close your eyes and start walking, whoever you bump into first is the one.

 

Libra (September 23 – October 23)

Actively encourage people to confess their undying love for you this week. Everyone loves confidence.

 

Scorpio (October 24 – November 22)

On Thursday, you will find someone who loves you like you love watching video game walkthroughs.

 

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You met the love of your life seven years ago on a train. Find them.

 

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Forgo a romantic date this year. Instead take your love to Chuck-E-Cheese. Everyone loves a good bounce on a trampoline.

 

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Post a picture of yourself on instagram. The third person to like it is your soulmate.

 

Pisces (February 18 – March 19)

We can guarantee with 80% certainty that if you tell your crush you’re in love with them, they will confess that they have loved you since the day they lied eyes on you.

Good luck with finding love this week, Lions and Happy Valentine’s day!

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